dear God,

i feel incredibly insecure now. what's my prospective future like? what is going on, Lord? why on earth am i making such dumb mistakes at this crucial time?

i used to think that heartbreak was naught more than a fanciful term, but now i understand it's actually a deep, physical ache in the chest. no, im not pining after some guy here don't get me mistaken. it's not figurative, as i thought. God, i already expect my grades to plummet, it's okay if i can go to sajc. but how am i going to face other people? would they whisper and laugh at my misfortune? i cannot laugh in the face of failure again; my sanity is perfectly intact, that's why my writing is stained with tears. oh God, i hate this kind of feeling. can you help me?

i cannot deal well with failure. it always overpowers me hands down, after which it's feral, booming laughter rings out for everyone to hear. if this is your way to discipline me, by all means, do it. if it's your only way to make me consecrate my cares, do it. you seem like the big policeman of the sky, always ready to punish, but never warm and loving. ive read your love letter time after time, and i know your call. but i think somewhere along the way, i kicked the keystone. only after it started crashing down did i realize what id done.

today kinda drew the curtains to the abyss. can you give me another chance, Lord? being locked up in my own world for the prelims killed something inside of me. i forgot about you, as the sands of time trickled by and the world around me waltzed on in a never-ending waltz. school life felt like nothing more than a rat race. perhaps the competition kept me alert, kept me sane, but i realized, even if i won the race, id still be a rat.

i don't want that. sometimes i curse schooling. cursed it with the blackest oaths i know, but being caught in the tumultous highway kept my sanity from slipping. though some times, it caused it to resurface the wrong way. it tore my faith asunder, it eclipsed my evening star... you.

faith my seem like a lost cause. but i know, no cause is lost, if there is but one fool left to fight for it. im truly sorry Lord. i forgot my standing. i nearly castigated you several times. but what am i going to tell my dad? he didn't seem impressed with my 7 distinctions last term, and i swore he'll be proud of me this term, but prospects are bleak. greatness inspires envy, envy engenders fear, and fear spawns insecurity. unfortunately, i think im on the receiving end of the accursed sequence. im really scared. ive never been faced with so many "what ifs" at one shot. i cannot laugh it off and say, "oh it's just prelims. who cares?" it would be pure cowardice for me to say that. don't you know how difficult it is to say, "it's gonna be alright."? it's head knowledge, but then again, im skeptical. i never doubted the fact that you're always with me, you hear every prayer, but the silence makes me uneasy. i dunno what's on your mind. are you angry?

at times, christianity seems like a farce, though i know it's as real as day and night, as true as heaven and hell. i know you care about me more than anyone else in the world, but then why do you have to always pull the carpet out from under me?

i guess i know my spiritual life is dead. i killed it in an attempt to prove that i am numbered among the best. but ultimately it backfired and wounded me instead. it would be laughable if the situation wasn't so serious. but the fear of failure haunts me like no other demon, no other spectre.

i am going to leave everything else to you; im quite exhausted, you know? i'll just go where you send me next year. can i learn again to trust you, God? will i be okay? please reply me, Lord.

Love,
me