prelims're out babyyyyyyyyyyyy!
i don't feel as jubilant as i sound.
in fact, on the day of physics paper 1, i was tensed and stressed, after e paper i felt unhappy.
it's not because the paper was hard, well i mean it was, but i felt like i cheated myself.
it didn't feel like my best.
it's not the feeling like i had on the day after myes, it was pure exhilaration.
but this time i just felt like, "okay. it's over. i just need a pillow beneath my head now."
everything that'll happen, so be it.
but if i had another chance to sit thru the whole prelims again, i think i would've done it the same way.
-shrugs-
i don't feel at ease.

i guess i still can't fathom or understand the complexity of certain stuff.
last week was the service on dating and courtship; what the Bible views it as.
it was harsh, and i didn't agree with some stuff that was mentioned.
i was kinda frowning and thinking about the views.
i mean, generally, most people wouldn't date around 15-16(or maybe some'll beg to differ), but i think experience is kinda important.
im not saying i approve of flirting or promiscuous behaviour(not in the sexual sense), but i think these people are daring.
they've had their egos crushed and hearts broken time after time, maybe beyond repair.
sometimes even numbed to heartbreak.
i suppose there's no need to date now or anything, but i think i should be more compassionate. maybe less judgemental. stop scorning those who have been ditched or sth.
maybe i come across as heartless and shallow, but it really gets me befuddled to see people in such a sorry state after being ditched. why even try when heartbreak was prospective?
hmmm.
i guess i don't comprehend that kinda feeling that's why i would judge the person as being impractical and unrealistic.
zz i can't believe im doing this but i guess i want to extend an apology to anyone whom ive hurt when i scorned them, or whenever i came across as patronising or condescending.
i admit im the 1 who doesn't understand.
haha. i don't want to understand for now though ;)
there's still time.

but for now, ive gotta enjoy to my heart's content before monday.
im mentally prepared, but i guess reality mauls. (as quoted from ms chan)
the "oomph!" to fight is kinda dying le. eeyer it's like so tiring lah.
some people say that people surviving for fun are shallow people who would come to no good end.
these are the people who have no life. LOL
a matter of perspective =)
i shall not insult them though im sorely tempted to now! haha.
i must learn to be more careful with my tongue.
=)

it's probably wrong to believe there can be any limit to the horror which the human mind can experience. on the contrary, it seems that some exponential effect begins to obtain as deeper and deeper darkness falls---as little as we may like to admit it, human experience tends, in a good many ways, to support the notion that when the nightmare grows black enough, horror spawns horror, that one coincidental evil begets another, often more deliberate, evils, until finally blackness seems to cover everything. and the most terrifying question of all may be just how much horror the human mind can withstand, and still maintain a wakeful, unstaring, unrelenting sanity. that such events have their own warlike absurdity goes almost without saying. at some point, it all starts to become rather funny. that may be the point at which sanity either starts to save itself or buckle and break down; the point where one's sense of humour begins to resurface... the wrong way.

maybe that's the absurdity of weariness. ive seemed to enter a wakeful, detached state. thinking in that mild, non-judgemental way? in some kind of time-space loop, and i find myself contemplating ongoings as if they were just like a process with no more significance than the blossoming and dying away of a hillock of wild plants. thinking that way seemed to have opened another realm of perception to me: that madness can protract into a single line of light that stretches out to an impossible attentuation, exactly equalling infinity.

madness makes equal of all people. it is as common among men who are dull and foolish as it is among those who are brilliant intellects.some people rejoice in it, for most people stand to lose nothing except their sanity. maybe mine is slipping, i find failure FUNNY now. or maybe my humour is resurfacing the wrong way. no thanks to the kelptocrats who have juiced us of fun and enjoyment. doesn't make sense not to live for fun, really (:

will people please stop counting down to the prelims!
im sick of that word.
study. exams, tests.
admitedly though, i feel a lot more relaxed now than last time.
whenever there's a prospect of a test, i'll just like, "fail 1 never mind, there'll be more to back up anyway."
somehow i think passing the NAFA audition is not exactly a good thing.
im putting soo much comfort in it that im starting to slacken in attitude towards studies already.
school's becoming increasingly mundane; if it hasn't always been.
though sometimes, i actually enjoy school cuz it keeps my mind working,
the worst times are usually when you're too bored, and then your mind kicks into overdrive.
starts thinking about stuff that gets you down.
k actually, there isn't anything in my life currently that's making me depressed LOL.
im a happy person. =)
i do welcome stress, cause it only means im still in the league.
ive not fallen behind or kicked out of the loop of competition.

but really, in response to those who are still moping about and worrying about results; don't.
is it really worth getting all bent and twisted out of shape over several dumb tests?
i suppose i do whine sometimes about screwed tests, but ive learnt to learn from where i erred and just happily toss it behind me.
for certain, you have to be lost to find the places that can be found,
otherwise everyone would've found it.
it's not difficult being number 1, it's remaining that.
LOL.
i have led a blessed and easy life.
many of us have but too many just enjoy (somewhat) residing within "camp complaining".
do we really have to find every lil insignificant thing to bitch about all the time?
sometimes i'll complain till i tire of it.
SO im learning to just not bother about all these things anyway.
after all, the hell i will let school dictate my life.
I dictate my life.
I decide who i will let influence my life.
I choose to turn a deaf ear to discouragements.
I choose not to fret about the prelims too mcuh.
I will not be bent out of shape by failures.
I will not let people look down on me.

yeah whatever.
me, myself and i. LOL
k lah not to sound so self-centred, i choose to let God dictate my life.
haha.
it took me long to realize simple things.
like the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor.
the one who kneels to the Lord can stand up to anything. :D
grace amazing He has. haha

okayokay, im not posting this to take a dig at anyone.
ive just been blog-surfing [yes ive been incredibly bored after the lil prince has gone to sleep ;) ]
and i noticed on a whole that many people have been really unhappy and depressed about the approaching prelims.
don't compare with other people lah.
it's really the mere comparison that stresses you out.
go at your own pace, be secure in that.
for what good does it do you to pit yourself against the best people?
it'll tire you out.
greatness inspires envy, envy engenders spite, and spite spawns fear.
and if you allow fear to fester, misery will inevitably be borne of it.
take heart in the fact that nobody can ever be you, and why the hell would you wanna be someone else?!
a whole bunch of identical people dulls the world, don't you think? ;)
maybe insecurity is a biggie of an issue here, can't deny that.
shame that the kleptocratics have made us entrench our security in grades.
always found it a major shame to the max!
surely life is more than studying, working, eating, sleeping and dying!
it's about FUN.
everyone should go listen to the song "all star" by Smashmouth.
im head-over-heels in love with the song.
the lyrics are DEEP.

"well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
fed to the rules and i hit the ground running
didn't make sense not to live for fun
your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb"

all that glitters IS gold, because only shooting stars will break the mold.
"all that glitters is not gold" is only made up by people who didn't believe in themselves hence never fulfilled their dreams.
that's my stand.
sadly, sometimes the un-cliche has become the cliche.

okay here i am crazily typing an entry at 1am in the morning.
been having a hell lot of sleeping problems ever since i succumbed to a coffee addiction ^.^
ALRIGHT.
ive been awaiting this chance for long, as a matter of fact.

TARGET: OSF & TYK

im not surprised if you haven't heard of them.
if you often read Life! then i suppose you do.
believe me, there infamous reviewers of current affairs and movies/music are fantastic (ideal, in fact) targets for my next launching of personal attacks.
i mean, if lousy opinions were a crime, i'll have them executed. (like now!)
their utterly, absurdly laughable and preposterous reviews are totally scorn-worthy and of course, coming hand-in-hand with scorn-worthiness, PATHETIC!
i was reading their latest reviews in Life! today and i (accidentally on purpose) scoffed SO loudly that even my brother gave me a quizzical look.
this is not some simple grumbling about having my favourite sequels shot down in the papers, it's about the appalling opinions of the writers.
like duh, i was completely "au contraire!!!" at the ridiculous ratings, and i was SO disgusted at the level they bring the movies down to.

as far as im concerned, they bashed pirates of the caribbean 3, shrek the 3rd, rise of the silver surfer, and they rated ocean's 13 a undeservedly high rating.
i feel so sorry for e 3 major blockblusters that you've brought down to your level.
oh, i mean, of course i respect your opinion (crosses my fingers behind my back) but i don't have to like them.
be rest assured, i don't discriminate your reviews, don't worry.
in fact, i positively hate them. =)
my sympathies lie with your exhibition of the lowest and most demeaning form of emotion: jealousy.
jealousy that sadly your opinion does not coincide with the vox populi's.
like hey, i welcome any reward for my... unique recalcitrance, even with decibels, cuz only then will i feel the utmost satisfaction of snickering at your fury (:
but read the fine print first!

freedom of speech has always been a controversial issue, clear as mud.
but there IS no grey area, there IS freedom of speech.
the dark side of ambition... though sometimes i prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.
if they have the right to speak their mind about the movies, so do i in insulting and rebutting their hopeless, lacklustre writeups. x)
before you display your opinions, remember who's gonna be reading them.
like TYK for example.
he's got a pretty nerve-touching way with words, i don't deny that i admire his skill.
but unfortunately, his gay comments are simply the killer of his writings.
it makes him sound like some desperado who's trying too hard to sound funny, to the extent that it sickens me to the stomach.
makes you wanna scream "bring me a basin! im gonna be sick!" -- roald dahl
okay, lousy opinions are pardonable, and every writer is entitled to that privilege.
but sadly, some positively abuses it.

i got through.
im in the syf performing group!!
but now when i think about it i feel weird...
it's like some kinda euphoria mixed with melancholy.
i knew before that if im in, someone else will be kicked out.
e second selection round was like, i dunno.
so much easier and more relaxed...
but peixuan and qianyu didn't pass it.
im particularly unhappy about that, really.
i think they deserve to be in the performing group.
someone else deprived them of their rightful place, damn it!
someone who sits out of practices and sectionals 3/4 of the time.
no prizes for guessing who.
when she was called to re-audit, i was sorely tempted to like "oh yeah!"
she should give qianyu her rightful place!
then like wth, everything turned out contrary to my expectations.
-sigh-
im not complaining that i got into the syf group.
in fact, for yesterday and today, i felt more joyous than i had felt in weeks.
yesterday was surreal... i felt as though it was some beautiful illusion?
nothing could serve to dampen my high spirits (:
when i walked out of the room after e results were announced chermaine and i gave each other a bear hug!
LOL
actually i have to say a big THANKYOU to chermaine especially, she stood by me through all that audition crap.
and boosting my spirits up through smses and stuff.
haha.
well both of us had our wish after all; we're gonna participate in the sec4s' final performance (:

mr tan already said the colour of the award we get is of little concern.
SO. let's just go upstage and have fun (though admittedly im pretty sick of victoria concert hall haha), and of course.
miss lessons ;)
that's by far the biggest bonus for going for syf! LOL
nicole lim xing rong is gonna be jealous to the pits! wahaha.
don't miss us nicole!! and don't die of boredom without us to disturb you on thursday! =)

anyway, you know the story of genesis 22?
God called Abraham to sacrifice his son, Issac.
but it's a test of obedience, and God gave Issac back to him in the end.

after the chinese O level crap, i thought my chance of syf participation completely disintegrated along with it.
yeah... so i guess i fought rather hard and held on to it.
it was only last week when i finally resigned to my fate and quit fighting with God, and it took me freakin' long to surrender it?
and i even said to those people (in response) to their jiayou-s for last sat's audition, that im not going to try so hard but leaving it in the hands of God le.
i WAS somewhat worn out from trying.
(though i really think that doesn't account for my slipping grades lately! lol)
but lo and behold, God is gracious; He gave me back the chance!
God is amazing, don't you think?
(:
the BIBLE is SO SO SO alive, i testify to that here and now. (:
sometimes im glad history repeats itself, y'know? ;)

THANK YOU LORD FOR A SECOND CHANCE (:

The old fence stands weathered and tired. It has been holding cattle in the field ever since the farmer put it up. The cows have occasionally tried to break through, but they have lost their battles; only the small yearlings have been able to squeeze under the fence.

The poles stand rotten and weary; they are lined up in a sporadic order. The spaces between are not always equal and their heights differ greatly. Some have pulled loose from their holes, and they are held up only by the line of barbed wire that clings to their hide. The line of fence looks much like a parade of weary, beaten soldiers who have been defeated in battle and are lining up for their last breath of honor before they are shot and killed.

In several places on the fence the barbed wire has been cut or bent out of shape. But neither the rain and rust nor the cattle's fury has made the wire calm. Sharp, erect pins still show their warning of power; many times they have acted as a catalyst between the cows and their angered emotions.

you know, how i really wish to be that FENCE.
the dumb stubborn cows are the totalitarian school board people.
okay, i do admit that sometimes the school rulings have gotten under my skin,
hence my unceasing retaliation against the school.

admittedly, the unaware and uneducated me found school to be fun. School indeed WAS fun, playing catching and hide-and-seek, fooling around with the parallel bars (I was frighteningly flexible in primary school!), and squealing at the who-like-whos. Perhaps the age-old adage 'ignorance is bliss' does ring true in this time and age.

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
how's **********?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
=p

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
he left yesterday

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha so stop teasing

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
ah

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
leaving you behind?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
how sad

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
well. thanks for feeling sad for me but unfortunately i am not

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
lol

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
my dear girl

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you need to find a boyfriend

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
hey says who? im doing perfectly fine without one

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you need the experience man

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
and besides

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
having your heart broken is a rite of passage

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
=D

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
humph... but then again it's a choice

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
yeah

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
why not you be a role model, get a girl then teach me instead?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
already had one before

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
broke my heart

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
and besides

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
nothing i know can be taught

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you have to learn by experience

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
well... im wuss then

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
tsk

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
c'mon leh. who's your girl

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you have a pic of 3

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
well but the choice is yours to make

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
not mine

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
and yeah i didn't recall giving you permission to choose a bf for me y'know

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
lol

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
i don't have to

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
i'm older than you

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
=p

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
uh huh. so how come you get to matchmake me huh?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
cuz you have no experience

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
i don't want a bf wad... technically

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
technically?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
whats that supposed to mean?

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
blah. that was trash. sorry

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
but my main point is that i don't NEED one

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
technically

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
which means you're considering lah

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
=p

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
why so?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you're considering having a bf already lah

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
'course not. what for?

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
dunno

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
i have plenty of time left... unlike you

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
can't understand the mind of females

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
21 le.. so old

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
lol

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
plenty of time

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
don't plan on getting married so soon anyway

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
riiiiight

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
yup

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
29 or 30 is a good age

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
and besides

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
she ain't ready too

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
so why rush

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
i'll be your flower girl!

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
LOL

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
but you must help her to be ready...!

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
that sounded a little wrong

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
but its ok lah

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
no rush

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
we're both too busy with our own stuff to have anything too serious lah

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
haii. see lah. you're a terrible role model... how can you lecture me for not wanting a bf lah!

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
you should

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
helps take your mind off studies

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
and gives you that added boost too

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
added boost?

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
i see so many people signing their warrant of heartbreak when they try it in school

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
hahaha

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
i've seen friends who got tgt in sec sch still stay tgt

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
so its a balance

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
find the right person and it'll all work out

joshua - We're the dead ones. We sank, but now we float... and you'll float too says:
=D

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
but you haven't found yours so don't lecture me leh

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
hahaha

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
hahaha

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
eh anyway im tired i wanna zzz already

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
aight

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
meanwhile

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
SOCCER!

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
hahaha

joshua - No matter how far a jackass travels, it won't come back a horse says:
gdnite and god bless

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
jiayou with ***** okay! or whoever you choose hehe (:

launching personal attacks feel GOOD says:
nites!

*names are censored to protect privacy

there you go, my cousin the dating counsellor. wahaha.
i just found the whole exchange hilarious lah...
joshua kor kor if you see this, -waves!- HI! haha

Dear Friends,

In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB), most people have already gotten used to Paying And Paying (PAP).

Not only do you pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB). If that's not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) more from you. So what more can you do when your are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?

When you are sick, you might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund, if you happen to be admitted to the Money Operating Hospital (MOH) one time. If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you and you will be Sure to Give-up Hope (SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE). If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads. If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to Train (MRT) or get squashed in a bus, Side By Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressure, there are not many places we can relax, not even the good old place we used to go because it has become So Expensive and Nothing TO See Actually (SENTOSA).

At the end of the day, living in Singapore is quite frustrating. Even to the extend of hearing people complaining Now Everyone's Water At Toilet Eventually Recycled (NEWATER).

Your tell me lah, should I be a quitter or stayer?

okay, i have a love hate relationship with the Singapore systems; id frankly admit to that.
now, now. do NOT accuse me of bashing the government (or i'll bash YOU) because everyone's entitled to his/her personal opinion.
mine's... well, deniable.

The original meanings of abbreviations:
HDB: Housing Development Board
PAP : People's Action Party
PUB : Public Utilities Board
PWD : Public Works Department
MOE : Ministry of Environment/Ministry of Education
CPF : Central Provident Fund
MOH : Ministry of Health
NUH : National University Hospital
SGH : Singapore General Hospital
COE : Certificate of Entitlement
ERP : Electronic Road Pricing
MRT : Mass Rapid Transit
SBS : Singapore Bus Service
SENTOSA : Sentosa
NEWATER : Newater

okay i guess i feel much better now. thanks to a few things that totally MADE MY DAY. 

1. choir practice was cancelled! HAHA and i was happily gloating to poor poor nicole over sms =)

2. jennifer loaned me her magazine; BIOGRAPHY, FILMOGRAPHY, you name it, it's in there! and everything's about johnny depp (:

3. i never thought id say this: joshuachanwenyong affirmed something that truly made my day! no more chinese after june! what more can i ask for? (=

you know, im suddenly feeling doubly fond of everything and everyone (:

happy CNY to all!