it has been a while since ive really sat down and watched people.
frankly, i don't feel good about criticizing ahs so much, they ARE my alma mater after all.
acsi is an entirely new place, and i just had my first taste of the fierce competition lying ahead.
everyone seem so sure of where they are heading, what they want.
as for me, where would i be at this time, one month later?

God is truly Jehovah Jireh, He has provided greatly.
the fears and insecurities on the first day have simply become no more than a faded picture.
i don't want to worry about the release of the Os results anymore.
God will be the mighty mariner who'd chart my course, and with all skill and certainty too.
so i should quit being that silly stargazer and watch out for what's ahead.
haha :D
it feels a lot better after tellng God what's on my mind.
He'll listen, i know He will.
and please don't roll your eyes cuz i can practically envision some people doing that.
when you talk to God, people call it a prayer. When God talks to you, people call it schizophrenia.
-rolls eyes-

i love acsi. i'll be honest. if i had to leave.. well, i'll be alright.
haha.
it feels safe to be in a haven, behind a strong name, it is a warning of power.
i still fear that history repeats itself.
if what had happened in ahs manifests itself here, i think i may find school rather devastating.
hiding behind facades worked damned well before (hey im just being brutally honest), but now i have misgivings.

maybe my conscience is tainted, seared.
you could say i came to acsi with a hidden agenda.
i wanted more than a different route, more than a new school, more than new friends.
glamour is SO overrated.
it's a fine thing to have at hand, but a danger.
it's the dark side of ambition, though i really prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.
things have changed.

the twisting kaleidoscope is either a blessing or a curse.
change is something that scares people, but change IS nature.
the only problem is that it usually has a domino aftermath, one thing begets another, often with an exponential effect.
i realized im still putting too much faith in yesteryears.
fool!
if i don't loosen my tight fist on the past, i'll never grasp the future.

i will never be who i was anymore, i guess i have come to acknowledge and accept that.
all those melancholic and merucial times and bouts; they have to go.
the initial culture shock has worn off, and has been replaced by a silent, wary and watchful disposition.
im increasingly cautious of people.
no, not that i have a reason to, but i feel obligated.
no longer am i as simple as when i was 12, no longer as gullible as when i was 14.
the winds of change have blown, and time seemed to have overlapped.

i had watched the illusion sunder before my very own eyes.
it was just like a flash of lightning on a clear day, without warning, leaving me bewildered by the abrupt blaze and stunned by the thunderous aftermath, trying to contemplate what had just happened.
THAT's how fast change is.

that was a river, this is the ocean.