one day i was walking along the street
across the road i met his eye.
he looked as though he had someone to meet
little did i know it was i
"excuse me, miss. can you spare me some time?
i'll tell you a story of old
i want to give you a little book to read;
im concerned about your soul."
"im already a christian!" i was nearly seething
"go find some other people!
ive heard of and know exactly what you're doing
and i think it cheapens the gospel!"
later that day i told the Lord
before into the night i turned
"God, im glad im not like that man!
he was a major embarrassment!"
as a went to sleep i had a strange dream
beginning in the regions of the damned.
i didn't know what the dream would mean
but i was about to find out then
i dreamt a letter had been written down there
by a suffering and tortured soul
crying for escape from death and it's snares
where pain was taking its toll
a request had been made to have it delivered
to someone living above
from one in the place of the eternally damned
to someone still safe on earth
a messenger began his long journey
through the caverns of the lost
tortured souls crying out for mercy
those who rejected His gift on the cross
i knew the lost souls would spend eternity in darkness
weeping and gnashing their teeth
for the Bible did say, once and for all
HELL is really no myth
the messenger finally reached the entrance
of the fiery gates of death
i saw he was headed towards my house
where he dropped the letter and left
my hands shook as i read the letter
i knew the handwriting only too well
it was not from any distant stranger
but from a friend burning in hell
"my friend, i fear that
i stand in judgement now
and i feel that you
are to blame somehow
while on this earth
i walked with you day by day
yet never did once
you ever pointed the way
you knew the Lord
in truth and in glory
but why didn't you ever
tell me of His story?
my knowledge then
was very dim
you could and should have
led me safe to Him
though we lived together
up there on earth
you never did tell me
of your second birth
and now i stand in hell
this day forever condemned in
all because you failed
to simply mention Him
you taught me many things
i know that's true
i called you my friend
and i trusted you
but i learned now
that it's all too late
you could have kept me
from this terrible fate
we had so much time together
why didn't you share the truth?
you had everything to gain
yet nothing to lose
we walked together
day and night
and yet you showed me
not the light
you let me live
love, and die
all the while you knew
i'll never live on high
yes, i called you my
friend in life
i trusted you
and joy and strife
and yet in coming
to this very end
i see that you
weren't really my friend."
i awoke in fear and sweat
but thanking God she was still alive
i thought of that still possible chance
for her to receive Lord Jesus Christ
i shudder at the thought
should she know Christ never
the smoke of her torment
would rise for ever and ever
"tell her now." i heard the Lord say
"but i don't know how to Lord"
as i wondered what she'll say
but God knew better, "nothing of that sort!"
two days later i decided to call
to save her from her worse possible fate
but to my utmost shock and horror
i learnt she was already dead
i knew God would hold me responsible
for she could have been saved
but my eyes were just too blind to see
the way that God had paved
i knew there was no second chance
now that she was dead
she'd died, lost, and gone down below
all because i was afraid.

©jo-leen

the urgency of the hour, people!
saturday's service was really a blessing; im glad i did not skive x)
seriously, after the founders day parade, i was so exhausted and tired out that i was tempted to skip service and rest.
i even sent out an sms to ben to tell him i didn't want to go to church and that i needed to catch some ZZZs lol.
i actually fell asleep on the train, fortunately it terminates at pasir ris otherwise i would be totally -_-
haha, thank God for the lady who was nice enough to rouse me from my sleep when it was time to get off the train :D
anyway, i told God that i wanted to sleep, that i needed it.
but somehow, i just sensed Him telling me that i should go, tired as i am.
okay fine i admit i was grouchy and frustrated and i groused to God a little about it, duh. haha
but saturday's service was about your calling from God; it made me think back about the mission trip i went for 3 years ago which was oh-so-amazing!
i remembered watching God at work, miracle healings and stuff.
i can't describe to you the awesomeness of it; you HAVE to see it for yourself, really.
for those who are contemplating attending missions this year or so, GO!!!!
don't forget why people need God, and you'll definitely have no regrets going for MTs i can testify to that! x)

okay it was a really interesting start to a new year!
ive started to take a liking to post original conversations rather than do the rephrasing altogether.
this was the main gist of yesterday when i went on visitations, when i first stepped into the house.

them: hey congrats! i heard about your Os results... 7 points eh? well done
me: thanks! i was really surprised too, honest!
them: so it is rjc? vjc?
me: haha nope... ive decided to stay in acsi.
them: acsi? you mean acjc lah... that's quite good, though maybe you'd wanna consider somewhere nearer like vj or tj.
me: it's okay lah.. i'll always get a seat from pasir ris anyway. and im not in acjc, it's acsi... as in, acs independent.
them: independent? that's a boys' school wad!
me: not from year 5! there are girls lah
them: oh okay i didn't know.... eh anyway what happened to your face? you look like a lobster eh.
me: sunburn lah.. i went cycling yesterday. cca.
them: wah your cca so hiong ah... new year's eve also must have? ODAC is it?
me: no lah im not so sporting.
them: then what are you in?
me: bb.
them: basketball? i thought you hated sports?
me: errr bb... boys' brigade.
(silence...)
them: huh? kai1 wan2 xiao4... boys leh!
me: im serious! im in the primers part of bb! hahaha!
*beams innocently*
them: okay girl you're freaking us out... first acsi, then now bb!
me: what's wrong? im sick of performing arts, plus i don't like sports, so im left with a UG choice mah...
them: but you're so pale and sunburn so easily... how to tahan 2 years of that?
me: i want to get a tan so that people would quit calling me a chinese scholar LOL!

that scenario has repeated countless times since PAE and till now, im still highly amused by it.
anyway, to anyone reading this, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

ciao.

okay i had a really interesting day today :D
here's just a short commentary about stuff.

i went to temasek poly's open house with heather to, yeah, check things out.
im keeping an open mind, in case sh** happens during the Os.
so today, i posed as a currently unschooled student who's simply waiting for the Os results to come out.
just to see how people'll treat you if you're a potential poly student.
no, i don't look down on poly students, i truly believe there ARE a good number of them who make certain jc students pale in comparison.
those who's make it big in the world.
so we strolled around the HUGE campus and looked at prospective courses offered.
heather was keen on the veterinary course, so we detoured to the science block.
the booth had a display of a dog's heart which had worms in it.
the girl manning the booth explained that those were heartworms, and that the dog died due to that ailment.
forgive me for sounding nerdy here but that's the whole gist of it.
i was horrified at the sight of the display, really.
the poster on that ailment scared me further too. zz
the heartworms are transmitted by mosquitoes, the larvae is carried in the mosquito and it being a vector, injects the larvae into a dog's bloodstream where it migrates to the heart and takes up residence there.
this ailment may also affect humans, and THAT freaked me out!
the worms aren't those half an inch in length, each are at least 4 inches long.
this only served to intensify my fear of mosquitoes.
mind you, i have a morbid fear of mosquitoes, the sound they make drives me up the wall.
i remember once there was a mosquito in my room at night, and i was so freaked by it that i ran over to my sister's room to sleep. HAHA
and another time i ran over to my parents' room to bunk.
don't laugh! it isn't funny if it's you.
haha :D
i felt disgusted and squeamish and queasy after staring at it, so much that i actually turned to one side and retched real violently.
my eyes were practically watering but i could see several people having a good laugh at my expense :S
it's just SICK.
i can never be a doctor in future or i'll probably puke all over my patient. LOL
GA-ROSS! =X
okayokay, i shall quite being so whiny =)

this somehow reminded me of the time at my family chalet.
there were like, too many people bunking over one night, such that i didn't have a place to sleep.
so i told my sis' friends who were sleeping on the mattress at the corner, that if you aren't careful, ants will crawl into your ear and eat your brain ( that corner's rather dark, so there're probably potential insects).
the looks on their faces were PRICELESS!
she spent a lotta time fretting cuz she slept in that corner the night before.
so that night, everyone stayed clear of the corner LOL!
and i had the corner all to myself :D:D:D
OKAY i know it was an incredibly mean joke to play on the poor innocent kids but hey, i couldn't resist :D
technically, it's impossible for you not to notice if ants crawl into your ear because the pain when they gnaw thru the eardrums would be too incredible for you not to take note.
so... i told them the truth in the morning, but they didn't wanna believe me... x)
:)

anyway, i had a real dose of the feeling of being looked down today too.
i met an elderly man on the bus to tampines mrt station when he turned and talked to me and heather.
check out the following conversation, the entire convo was actually in chinese x)

him: excuse me... does this bus go to tampines mrt station?
me: yes, my friend and i are alighting there too, so we'll let you know when we have to alight.
him: ah okay thank you.
(i was carrying the temasek poly brochures in my hands)
him: you're waiting to go to poly?
(i glanced at heather and grinned)
me: im keeping my options open.
him: oh i see... i think you would really admire my son, he scored 5 distinctions.
me: really? that's great!
(i had 7 distinctions :D)
him. yea! and he got 10 points for his Olevels. what did you get?
me: (pauses) 26 (actually it's 8)
him: oh! (laughs) so i suppose jc is no option for you then?
me: well i guess so...
him: my son is really smart, he was given a scholarship by MOE, did you know that?
me: really? so i suppose he went to a really good school?
(i had the ESIP scholarship too)
him: of course, do you even need to ask that?
me: i was just curious.
him: people who go to poly have little or no chance of making it into a university, if you had studied harder, maybe things would have been different! you probably would not regret scoring so badly you know?
me: (silence...)
him: especially for math, i think it's a real waste you didn't score distinctions for both maths, math is the most essential and the easiest to score in. too bad you let that chance pass you by.
me: well i think it's a matter of interest, i don't like math (which is the absolute truth) so i find it hard to work on it.
him: (laughs) well i guess it's your choice, as long as it is not my son, i have little concern.
me: (laughs) okay i guess you are right, i don't have much of a say since im not as smart as your son.

then he left.
im surprised that people still have the thinking that poly students are inferior, it is so not true and the thinking is SO yesterday.
i didn't let the convo progress the way it did with intention to mock him, i was simply curious to find out what people thought of you if you're of a different status.
some things never change, social status, as i have discovered, is still of uncanny importance.

it has been a while since ive really sat down and watched people.
frankly, i don't feel good about criticizing ahs so much, they ARE my alma mater after all.
acsi is an entirely new place, and i just had my first taste of the fierce competition lying ahead.
everyone seem so sure of where they are heading, what they want.
as for me, where would i be at this time, one month later?

God is truly Jehovah Jireh, He has provided greatly.
the fears and insecurities on the first day have simply become no more than a faded picture.
i don't want to worry about the release of the Os results anymore.
God will be the mighty mariner who'd chart my course, and with all skill and certainty too.
so i should quit being that silly stargazer and watch out for what's ahead.
haha :D
it feels a lot better after tellng God what's on my mind.
He'll listen, i know He will.
and please don't roll your eyes cuz i can practically envision some people doing that.
when you talk to God, people call it a prayer. When God talks to you, people call it schizophrenia.
-rolls eyes-

i love acsi. i'll be honest. if i had to leave.. well, i'll be alright.
haha.
it feels safe to be in a haven, behind a strong name, it is a warning of power.
i still fear that history repeats itself.
if what had happened in ahs manifests itself here, i think i may find school rather devastating.
hiding behind facades worked damned well before (hey im just being brutally honest), but now i have misgivings.

maybe my conscience is tainted, seared.
you could say i came to acsi with a hidden agenda.
i wanted more than a different route, more than a new school, more than new friends.
glamour is SO overrated.
it's a fine thing to have at hand, but a danger.
it's the dark side of ambition, though i really prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.
things have changed.

the twisting kaleidoscope is either a blessing or a curse.
change is something that scares people, but change IS nature.
the only problem is that it usually has a domino aftermath, one thing begets another, often with an exponential effect.
i realized im still putting too much faith in yesteryears.
fool!
if i don't loosen my tight fist on the past, i'll never grasp the future.

i will never be who i was anymore, i guess i have come to acknowledge and accept that.
all those melancholic and merucial times and bouts; they have to go.
the initial culture shock has worn off, and has been replaced by a silent, wary and watchful disposition.
im increasingly cautious of people.
no, not that i have a reason to, but i feel obligated.
no longer am i as simple as when i was 12, no longer as gullible as when i was 14.
the winds of change have blown, and time seemed to have overlapped.

i had watched the illusion sunder before my very own eyes.
it was just like a flash of lightning on a clear day, without warning, leaving me bewildered by the abrupt blaze and stunned by the thunderous aftermath, trying to contemplate what had just happened.
THAT's how fast change is.

that was a river, this is the ocean.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy
has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered
will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy
has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby
you kissed the face of God?

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy
is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding
is the Great, I Am

here are some songs to describe the papers that have passed:

amath 1: throw it on me -- timbaland feat. the hives =)
amath 2: i'll take my chances -- the click five =)
chemistry 2: complicated -- avril lavigne =(
geography elective: living on a prayer -- bon jovi =|
english 1: i'll be okay -- mcfly =)
english 2: S.O.S -- jonas brothers =|
emath 1: i could not ask for more  -- clay aiken =)
emath 2: tied together with a smile -- taylor swift =)

physics 2, social studies, biology 2, bio, chem, physics 1: Jesus take the wheel -- carrie underwood =P

dear God,

i feel incredibly insecure now. what's my prospective future like? what is going on, Lord? why on earth am i making such dumb mistakes at this crucial time?

i used to think that heartbreak was naught more than a fanciful term, but now i understand it's actually a deep, physical ache in the chest. no, im not pining after some guy here don't get me mistaken. it's not figurative, as i thought. God, i already expect my grades to plummet, it's okay if i can go to sajc. but how am i going to face other people? would they whisper and laugh at my misfortune? i cannot laugh in the face of failure again; my sanity is perfectly intact, that's why my writing is stained with tears. oh God, i hate this kind of feeling. can you help me?

i cannot deal well with failure. it always overpowers me hands down, after which it's feral, booming laughter rings out for everyone to hear. if this is your way to discipline me, by all means, do it. if it's your only way to make me consecrate my cares, do it. you seem like the big policeman of the sky, always ready to punish, but never warm and loving. ive read your love letter time after time, and i know your call. but i think somewhere along the way, i kicked the keystone. only after it started crashing down did i realize what id done.

today kinda drew the curtains to the abyss. can you give me another chance, Lord? being locked up in my own world for the prelims killed something inside of me. i forgot about you, as the sands of time trickled by and the world around me waltzed on in a never-ending waltz. school life felt like nothing more than a rat race. perhaps the competition kept me alert, kept me sane, but i realized, even if i won the race, id still be a rat.

i don't want that. sometimes i curse schooling. cursed it with the blackest oaths i know, but being caught in the tumultous highway kept my sanity from slipping. though some times, it caused it to resurface the wrong way. it tore my faith asunder, it eclipsed my evening star... you.

faith my seem like a lost cause. but i know, no cause is lost, if there is but one fool left to fight for it. im truly sorry Lord. i forgot my standing. i nearly castigated you several times. but what am i going to tell my dad? he didn't seem impressed with my 7 distinctions last term, and i swore he'll be proud of me this term, but prospects are bleak. greatness inspires envy, envy engenders fear, and fear spawns insecurity. unfortunately, i think im on the receiving end of the accursed sequence. im really scared. ive never been faced with so many "what ifs" at one shot. i cannot laugh it off and say, "oh it's just prelims. who cares?" it would be pure cowardice for me to say that. don't you know how difficult it is to say, "it's gonna be alright."? it's head knowledge, but then again, im skeptical. i never doubted the fact that you're always with me, you hear every prayer, but the silence makes me uneasy. i dunno what's on your mind. are you angry?

at times, christianity seems like a farce, though i know it's as real as day and night, as true as heaven and hell. i know you care about me more than anyone else in the world, but then why do you have to always pull the carpet out from under me?

i guess i know my spiritual life is dead. i killed it in an attempt to prove that i am numbered among the best. but ultimately it backfired and wounded me instead. it would be laughable if the situation wasn't so serious. but the fear of failure haunts me like no other demon, no other spectre.

i am going to leave everything else to you; im quite exhausted, you know? i'll just go where you send me next year. can i learn again to trust you, God? will i be okay? please reply me, Lord.

Love,
me